Evite etiquette: How online invites end up crossing the line

Ann Cambronne thought Evite would be the best way to plan her 19th birthday party. The online invitation service, she reckoned, would make it easy to invite 200 of her closest friends to a bash at a Manhattan night club.

But things didn’t go as planned.

Due to an electronic glitch, most of the would-be guests were given the wrong date or never received their invites. In the end, only 20 people showed, and others felt snubbed. Worse, Cambronne lost a good friend, a promoter for the club whose job depended on a successful party.

“I think my mother’s quite right when she says it’s time to stick to plain stationery,” Cambronne said.

Millions of young urbanites across the country use Evite to organize their social lives. Users, like Cambronne, are discovering the challenges and benefits of cyber socializing. Enter the manners mavens, who say users would be well served not to forget old-school manners as they tread this online scene.

“I always tell people right up front, with computers, remember it might be a computer but it’s also a person there,” said Peggy Post, the great-granddaughter of etiquette queen Emily Post and author of the 17th edition of “Emily Post’s Etiquette.”

“An invitation is really special,” she said.

Launched in 1998, Evite averaged nearly 200,000 events per month last year, a 60 percent growth from 2003, according to the company.

Post shudders at the Byzantine process of accessing and responding to Evites, which can alienate more traditional partygoers who would prefer a quick email or telephone call.

Invitees are directed to a link to the Evite registration page where they are asked to disclose their e-mail addresses and full names. Afterwards, they are directed to fill out a personal profile that includes gender, birthday and interests in dating.

Once finished with the profile, guests sift through party logistics (where, when, what to bring) and are then asked to reply with a “yes,” “no” or “maybe,” followed by a brief written message that, in most cases, all guests can view.

Post has big problems with “maybe,” which she views as bad form. “I would advise that it be removed,” she sniffed.

Another potential source of discomfort involves the short messages that Evites encourage potential guests to write. In most cases, all invitees can view others’ replies, and this public forum intimidates many people who worry that they are not witty enough or are responding too eagerly. Post thinks it’s tacky to put the whole email list up, and suggests that hosts give guests the option to reply by phone or private e-mail. If no alternative is provided, don’t go through a big explanation. “Just be gracious,” she advises.

Some recipients gripe that, unlike traditional paper invitations, Evites are sent to accounts that can be viewed at work. This potentially exposes party plans to colleagues who weren’t invited, or alerts them to one’s private life.

Holly Huffman, 25, an analyst for a New York investment bank, receives electronic invitations at least once a week, but is s afraid to open them on the job. “They freaking explode on your screen,” she said, “and all you want to do is look and see where the stupid party is.”

For some cyber hosts, however, Evites provide a convenient form of social triage when arranging big events. For instance, Art Chung, 33, a game show writer, regularly uses Evite to organize poker tournaments. In order to ensure he gets 64 players, he has to invite nearly 80. Only those on the A-list receive personalized phone calls. “Certain people you want to make sure they show up,” he said.

Another Evite devotee, Simon Brandler, 25, a from Manhattan, appreciates that he can reach hundreds of people at one time. Brandler says he doesn’t need RSVP’s when planning a social mixer.

“There's no reason I need to know exactly who's going to show up for a bar outing,” he says. “And in NYC, asking people to commit to anything more than ten minutes in advance is a challenge.”

Evite is learning as it goes along and takes users’ concerns seriously, said Hilary Hattenbach, director of sales and marketing for the company. “We have a really great customer service team; we get mostly positive feedback from people who say, ‘I love it, it’s great thank you so much,’” she said.

The company responds to those who complain. “People will email and say, ‘You know, I was using this thing, this is frustrating to me can you change this?’” Hattanbach said. “We take all that stuff into account.”

To ensure all goes smoother in the future, Evite plans to draw up suggestions of etiquette for hosts and their company. The list will gently remind guests not to show up to a party empty handed. Bring a bottle of wine, some flowers, a thank you card, Hattenbach said. The addition will be active within the year.

Evite, however, declines to take responsibility for most social faux pas on the service.

“Etiquette has had a serious decline over the years in general and I don’t think it has anything to do with the Internet,” Hattenbach said. “I think it’s the way people were raised.”

(E-mail: vsk2102@columbia.edu)